by Merri-Ellen Wright

When a baby or child has been lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or any other circumstance, the grieving family needs the support of their church family and friends—they don’t need a church family’s avoidance. Unfortunately, a natural response to an uneasy situation is to pull away and avoid the ugly truth. In a miscarriage situation, especially, many do not know the proper response because many have not experienced the pain of such a loss. Often the length of gestation determines the allowance given for grieving. An inappropriate comment concerning an early miscarriage is, “Well, just be glad it was early in your pregnancy.” Or a mid-term pregnancy comment that can cut to the core is, “At least you didn’t have to carry to term and then lose the baby.” Neither comment takes into account that a life, no matter how short in existence, has been lost and with it the hope and dreams, plans, and anticipation of an addition to a family. Most often silence, tears, and hugs go further than anything else at the moment. As a ministry wife you will have the opportunity to not only offer comfort to the grieving family but also educate others when a loss in your church occurs.

In addition, there are many practical ways to help and support a family that is going through the loss of a child. Each family will respond differently to their loss: some will not want others to know, while another will openly grieve and include their church family. It is important to respect the wishes of those desiring to remain silent while at the same time taking on the task of ministering to them. Some very basic ways to help any family that you know is going through a loss would be to offer childcare for other children, prepare meals for them, run errands, screen phone calls for an afternoon, and even clean their home. Many of these ideas can be done by someone else in a church who is gifted in a specific area, but someone just needs to “rally the troops” to action. This rallying often falls on the shoulders of a ministry wife who most often will be close to the situation. Be ready to give an answer to those who may approach you with the question, “What can I do to help?” If a family rejects aid immediately following a loss, be sure to check back with the family later. When the reality of all that has occurred finally sinks in, the exhaustion level will be high and the energy level will be low.

Miscarriages are not unusual, and any size church will have families that experience this type of loss. Will you be able to jump in and offer comfort and hope? Will you be ready to assist practically on any level necessary? Will you guide others in their support of a grieving family? Whether it is through reading Hope for a Mom’s Heart, seeking resources online, or by some other means, may I encourage you to be ready to minister effectively to those in need?

More than once during the process of writing Hope for a Mom’s Heart I have been told by many that they cannot wait for it to be in print so they can read it to know how to respond to a friend or family member that has suffered a loss. My heart is thrilled to know that my book will be a help to a diverse audience. I especially pray that it will be a resource for ministry wives to use and reference for information in their personal ministering opportunities and act as a teaching guide to help others who may be ministering to a friend or family that is hurting.

When God lays something on your heart to do, He will patiently lead and direct, no matter how long it takes, if you are willing to obey. Approximately 17½ years ago, the idea to write a book was beginning to take shape in my heart and mind. I had just gone through my first miscarriage and felt very frustrated because I could not find appropriate literature with which to educate myself about the physical pain and loss I had just experienced, nor could I find information regarding the very real emotional pain I was still enduring. Shortly thereafter I simply put the idea of writing such a book out of my mind.

Three years later that same frustration surfaced as I again felt the pangs of losing a baby, this time on a much different level. The idea for writing a book again resurfaced, but only after hearing about the death of a two-day-old baby boy sometime later did the flow of words appear on paper. My heart broke for the parents, and in crying out to the Lord for them, He seemed to motivate me to start writing. The content flowed and once safely saved on my floppy disk (Yes, that long ago!), I really had no idea what to do next. I made a few phone calls, but did not have peace concerning the direction to go.

My third miscarriage sent the book to the back burner to simmer for many more years. Every time I heard about a family dealing with the loss of a baby, I would pray for them and wish there was more that I could do to help. Through the Lord’s continued promptings, direction, and certainly His grace, Hope for a Mom’s Heart is now a reality.

Does my heart still ache at times for my babies that I never had a chance to hold? Yes. I am fully convinced that longing will always be a part of my life. I do not know why God took my babies; but I do know that instead of experiencing hopeless despair during those three difficult times, I found hope in His love and comfort through a peace that I would have never experienced otherwise. The help that I found in His Word and claimed for my own was the healing balm that both my soul and body needed. My heart’s prayer is that other moms may also experience the healing balm offered by the Lord and discussed in Hope for a Mom’s Heart.

Unless the Lord had been my help,
my soul had almost dwelt in silence.

When I said, My foot slippeth;
thy mercy, O Lord, held me up.

In the multitude of my thoughts
within me thy comforts delight my soul.

Psalm 94:17-19