Parents Come in Three Varieties

1. Unconcerned—almost totally uninvolved with their young people unless there is a problem to deal with. These parents think, “It is their life, so let them make their own decisions.”  “Exposing them to many options is good.”   “Kids will be kids!”
2. Engaged—intimately involved with their children’s lives. Much of their lives focuses on rearing their children, and they want not only to watch but also to be fully involved in the process. If these parents cannot be involved, their children will not be either. You will find three categories of these parents, depending on what their world view is—biblical, secular, and syncretistic (a mixture of biblical and secular ideas often expressed in “Christian” terminology).
3. Traditional—in the limited sense of the word, for the last fifty years of American life

• On the positive side, this is usually a family that is not “child-centered”; yet parents are loving and concerned about their children’s development, fulfilling to the best of their ability and knowledge their responsibilities as parents, choosing the best schools, involved in church and the youth group, and increasing their teens’ freedoms and responsibilities as the young people prove they can handle them.
• On the negative side, these parents love their children, yet are too busy about their own lives (job, hobby, home, or service) to be really involved in the details of their children’s lives. They often seem more concerned about the material things of life than spiritual matters. They show concern for others’ opinions, are pragmatic about moral issues, and place an emphasis on consequences, not on character.

As strange as it may seem, all three of these “types” of parents can also come in a variety of spiritual conditions:  the natural unsaved man, the spiritual Christian, and the carnal Christian.

These parents can be mixed and matched in a variety of ways.  It would be possible to have saved parents who are spiritual and involved in the lives of their children, yet raising them according to secular principles.  They have read a “self-help” book, gone to a secular seminar, or were themselves reared by parents who were influenced by Spock’s theories of life on demand, no spankings, and letting children’s personalities “blossom.”  They have never considered what the Scripture has to say about bringing up children.  Likewise, it would be possible to have someone in your youth group with unsaved, unconcerned parents who allow their children to go to church as long as someone picks them up.  Within any church fellowship, there may be a great assortment of parents with whom we must work and serve.

For the most part, the traditional youth group concept that we have been used to in our churches was created primarily before the totally engaged church, as typified by the Christian school movement, or before the advent of the totally engaged parent, as typified by the home school movement.  Almost any church that is preaching the gospel and seeing people saved is going to have some children from families who send their children to a public school, some families who sacrifice to send their children to a Christian school, and some who homeschool their children out of a deep-seated conviction.  We must get used to this fact in this generation, determine what our biblical responsibilities are in relation to all the youth of our church, and develop a youth program that will meet the needs of all the families in our church.

The Bible gives us examples of all of the three scenarios.  Moses was reared in the secular schools of his day; Samuel was reared in the temple, receiving his instruction from the priests; and Isaac undoubtedly sat at the feet of his father Abraham, staying within the context of an extended family structure for seventy-five years until Abraham died.  Those three examples all seemed to turn out as leaders for God.

We face a dilemma.  On the one hand, our best chance of evangelizing the greatest numbers for the Lord lies in the statistical bosom of reaching today’s youth before or soon after puberty.  The Lord Himself in Matthew 18:3-4 seemed to indicate there was an advantage to their being given the truth early before they became hardened by pride and sin.  Thom Rainer, in his book on this current generation, said that of those who will be saved eventually, that “. . . if we look at the age frame from six through fourteen, over 70% of persons will have made decisions for Christ . . . by the time they graduate from high school the odds are stacked against such a choice to a staggering degree”  (The Bridger Generation,  168).

On the other hand, experience would teach us that too much exposure to unrighteousness could lead to the loss of an entire generation for God.  Lot and his family are a good example of that problem.  So we must find a balance that works in our situation, all the while realizing other churches may come to a different balance without it being a “wrong balance.”  The church and the youth leaders must view themselves as servants of all the parents in the church and do what they can to meet their needs and help them fulfill their God-given responsibility. This, of course, includes developing programs and working with the children of unsaved, unengaged, or traditional parents whose young people need a much more involved program than do the parents who are fully engaged with their own children.

Why Parents Restrict Their Youth from Coming to Youth Group

1. Restriction—With this discipline ploy, if the young person disobeys, the parents restrict him from doing what he enjoys. Your challenge here is to convince the parents that you are their servant and that you are reinforcing what they are trying to accomplish in the home. Communicating with the parents before they make their rule, not after the fact, is the key.
2. Priority—A family activity or event is conflicting with what you have going on. The best thing you can do here is to plan and publish your calendar as far in advance as you can without ever canceling an event.  In the end, some family gathering or vacation will always conflict.  But you have to remember that you serve the families—the families do not serve you.
3. Fear—Safety is always a big concern of parents, as it should be. They are concerned not only about physical safety but also about spiritual safety, specifically, improper exposures from peers, places, or programs. Communicate the physical safety measures on which you operate, your philosophy of youth activities, and your spiritual protection plan.
4. Lack of information—Parents have no knowledge of what you are doing or any way of putting in their “two cents” without seeming as if they are “butting in” or questioning the church leadership. Tell them everything, in many different ways, and often.  Then ask for their opinions and ideas with surveys and discussion groups.
5. Distrust—For some reason, parents have lost their confidence in the youth group’s leadership. Such loss of confidence can usually be traced back to some glitch in communication. Other reasons include:

• Differences in what you say and what you do, such as with arrival times and costs
• Cancellations or constant changes in what has been announced
• Poor decisions showing a lack of wisdom
• Lack of preparation and forethought
• Lapses in dependability, follow-through, and responsibility
• Teachings by word or example which are different from what the church as a whole teaches (in doctrine, word, action, or attitude)

6. Lack of worth—Here the parents do not believe that you are a help or of any value in the lives of their teens. There is much evidence to prove that parents will leave a church quicker over perceived problems with the youth group than they will over doctrinal issues. Encourage testimonials from the pastor, youth sponsors, parents, and young people.
7. Conviction—Parents believe that they have the God-given responsibility to do all the teaching in the lives of their children. They will never put them under another authority for any reason.  You can do nothing about this reason, but understand and do whatever you can to communicate your desire to be of service to them in any way possible.  Only the pastor of the church can deal with this issue; and if you have a large group of these parents in your church, you will need to plan and operate accordingly.