by Layna Steuerwald

“YOU HAVE CANCER.” Those are three of the most frightening words you will ever hear. After the initial shock, a barrage of thoughts race through your mind – none of which are specific and organized – all enveloped in fear and disbelief. Your life takes a complete nose dive into a realm of reality that you never imagined.  Now – facing you – shaking you – uprooting you – dominating your every thought is this nightmare – this feeling of oppression and the overwhelming thought, “What if I die?” The feeling of devastation eventually turns to trust in God through the Word of God and godly, encouraging friends.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2000 with a reoccurrence in 2009. I know the blessing, source of comfort, and hope that a friend can be.  I also know the discouragement that insensitive remarks can bring. The Bible clearly exhorts us to “Bear one another’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2). It also shares how the tongue should be a messenger of encouragement and blessing. I believe I am writing to women who sincerely desire to be an encourager. However, you often do not know what to say or what to do when a friend, relative, or co-worker is diagnosed with cancer or any serious disease.

To be effective communicators in any situation, that communication must be based on the burden and needs of the other person, not upon our own thought processes. The mental state of an individual plays an important role in healing; our responsibility is to have an active part in that healing process. What can you do to make an impact in someone’s attitude, reactions, joy, and healing? How can you be a messenger of hope and encouragement instead of being a messenger of insensitive statements and lack of concern?

I have contacted several godly women who have walked this road of serious illness. We have discussed what helped and what hindered each of us in our journey of healing.  We share, not out of criticism, but to minister to you who desire to minister to others.

What helped…

1. Sharing Scripture regarding who God is, His love for us, His ability to heal, His desire to comfort us
2. Giving prayer support – especially praying over the phone – shows sincere concern
3. Driving them to treatments
4. Giving lots of hugs – laughing with them and weeping with them
5. Listening more—talking less
6. Making meals—healthy meals without lots of leftovers – limit sweets that undermine healing
7. Offering to bring a meal, do laundry, and help with cleaning
   “What can I do to help?” usually goes unanswered. It is better to say —“I would like to make a meal for you, which night would be best?” “I would love to come over and do your laundry, which day would be best?” and “I would love to come over and clean at least your main living area, would that be okay?”
8. Taking their children to church or activities
9. Sending cards/notes every couple week with not just “praying for you” and name but a poem, Scripture, note regarding their burden for your situation—something regarding our hope in the Lord
10. Giving gifts of note cards or thank you cards
11. Giving gift certificates for gas or for restaurants that have carry out—also money for hospital food
12. Keeping a sense of humor—not doom and gloom
13. Understanding that absence from church is sometimes a necessity because of energy level and inability to fight germs. Providing copies of weeks’ messages
14. Explaining medical terminology (encouraging nurse)
15. Allowing them to feel and express sadness without guilt

What hindered…

1. Giving too much advice on medical vs. natural treatments Let me insert here—some of the information is helpful—some is confusing and frightening as if it makes you feel that your decision means life and death (I firmly believe God will give you guidance and peace with regards to treatment). I have seen people who ignore medical treatments only to die because of the lack thereof, and I have seen people ignore the validity of natural methods to heal the body.
2. Telling stories of people who have died from cancer (seems like a no-brainer)
3. Asking questions about your prognosis—as if to say, “How long do you have to live?” (questions based upon curiosity not concern)
4. Making you feel it was your fault. I had a lady ask me (in front of other people in a business setting) what I was planning on doing to make sure the cancer would not come back.
5. Ignoring the situation or person—saying and doing nothing
6. Trying to diagnose the person’s condition and give suggestions for treatments without knowledge
7. Desiring to just rehash the latest news of the illness with reactions of dismay and shock
8. Asking if you have a will
9. Making insinuations that you should still be faithfully attending church and church functions
10. Requesting a list of symptoms to see if they have the same illness
11. Staying too long for visits—take cues from caregivers

I would be remiss in sharing what began my acceptance of God’s will and way in my life – the week-end that my emotions turned from turmoil to peace. It was because of a great God and a godly friend.

A godly friend called the night of my diagnosis and said, “How are you—no, I mean—how ARE you really? I could have said what I should have felt; I knew the power of God—the joy of walking in close fellowship with Him. But as token of my weakness, I honestly said, “Not good.” She didn’t give great words of wisdom or ask questions. She simply said, “ I thought so—that is why God laid you on my heart all day.” She simply began to quote Scripture after Scripture about who my God is, how He loves me, how He desires to be my comfort, how He longs to meet my need and give me peace. I think that night I fully understood the verse, “The Word of God is quick and powerful—sharper than any two edged sword.” When she finished quoting verses, she conveyed her heartbroken feelings, her love for me, and her assurance that I was not going through this alone. Along with my faithful God, she would walk with me through this nightmare. She called the next day with more verses. I was too oppressed to respond; she seemed to understand and asked few questions but just kept expressing the fact that I was precious in God’s sight—that He would take care of me. By Sunday night, after reviewing these verses, a peace came over me (clearly by the power of the Person and Word of God and the insight of a godly friend) that has never left. It was not all about me—it was all about God’s plan for my life. Now instead of being focused on my trial, I was focused on God’s mission. I was determined to walk so close to Him that I would not miss an opportunity to share my hope and security. I had a hope that was sure—many others during my treatments did not. I pray I clearly conveyed that to each of them. It became a passion—a driving force.

As I think back on both my occurrences of cancer, I am reminded of those that were a profound encouragement and “ministers of hope” to me. Of course my family was a blessing, but friends and even people I did not know ministered to me.

What changed my heart from oppression to peace? Above all, my God, His precious Word, His love for me, and His mission for my life.

Yet, He used people to share my burden, to walk that long walk with me, and to encourage me to trust my God. Will you be that one that comes alongside and ministers hope and peace? God clearly desires for you to be that comforter. You do not have to experience a disease to be used of God; you must only have experienced the power of God. Pray for God to give you the words to say to accomplish this great ministry of encouragement to others.