by Shannon Steuerwald

While helping my grandmother, I found myself wondering how many ladies across this nation care for elderly parents or church members. Although I do not have any solid statistics, I am sure the number is staggering. The Bible mandates that we honor the elderly.

Leviticus 19:32—Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the Lord.

Proverbs 23:22—Hearken unto thy father that begat thee, and despise not thy mother when she is old.

1 Timothy 5:1-2—Rebuke not an elder [referring to age, not position], but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren; The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.

In these few verses, we are commanded to honor, hearken, despise not, rebuke not, and intreat the elderly. Digging a little deeper into the meaning of these words, we find that we are to favor, to listen intelligently, to not disrespect, to not speak harshly, and to exhort the elderly. We also discover from these few verses that we are not referring to just the care of our parents. God clearly asks us to care for the elderly in general and especially in our local churches.

I know of many churches that are accomplishing that mandate. They have ministries that include visiting, feeding, carpooling, or cleaning for the older folks in their church. I know of pastors who record their sermons for the sole purpose of giving them to the elderly people who can no longer attend their services. Many churches have weekly or monthly services in nursing homes and retirement communities.

I also know from listening to and asking questions from ladies who come to retreats at Ironwood that much of the day-to-day care of elderly relatives or church members falls on the ladies in our churches. This fact should not be viewed negatively, for I believe strongly that women were designed to be helpers and caretakers of people. Therefore our God-given genetic blueprint makes us the most qualified to do so.  I also know that this care can be burdensome, tiring, stressful, restrictive, and long lasting.

For the past seventeen years, I watched my mother care for elderly parents; of which, the last six years included parents living in her home because the care involved more day-to-day involvement. I have friends who have parents living in their homes and who care for the daily needs of those parents.

Many of those friends hold down full-time jobs, have children at home, and are active in their local church. I applaud these women, for they have given me a great example to follow.

Even Christ in the minutes before His death cared for His mother by making sure she had a place to go and someone to minister to her. This act of honoring and caring for His mother—at a moment in His life when it would have been so easy to focus on His pain, His circumstances, and His mission—is a beacon for all of us to emulate.

Our desire is to encourage ladies in ministry by offering a few principles and helps in caring for the elderly.  Whether you are in the trench now, are facing a future that involves such care, or are involved or considering getting involved in your local church ministries in caring for the elderly, we trust that what you find here will help and will give hope.

My mother’s care for elderly parents has recently ended.  My grandmother went home to heaven on August 26. Shortly after my grandmother’s death, I gave my mom a hug and whispered in her ear, “She is at rest now, Mom, and now we can all rest, too.” I cannot put into words just how much I miss my grandmother; she, in many ways, was one of my best friends. I can say, though, that my mom did an extraordinary job through God’s grace to care for and minister to her elderly parents and in-laws. My mom and I joke about what it will be like for me to care for her; but in all seriousness, she has given me a great example to follow, and I will honor her as long as I have breath. And in doing so, I will honor my God, Who so richly gave me the gift of godly parents and grandparents.

Good Resource for Caregivers

Complete Guide to Caring for Aging Loved Ones. (Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc, 2002)—This is  a good resource especially for information, addresses, internet addresses, and phone numbers of support groups, state commissions on aging, and ombudsman programs.  In the back, there is an alphabetical directory on just about anything that refers to an aging loved one.

Problems That May Arise for the Caregiver

• Guilt—No matter how much they do, they never feel it is enough; acting out of love and devotion yet conflicting with frustration and guilt (all mixed together)
• Resentment—of parent for getting old and frail; not what one planned for his life
• Anger; frustration—feeling of being hemmed in on every side; restrictions on personal freedom; coincides with own retirement and plans for hobbies, traveling, grandchildren; mundane caregiving tasks
• Husband/wife relationship
• Sleeplessness or no long periods of sleep (over four hours)
• Irritability
• Discouragement
• Emotional exhaustion—Feel unappreciated; emotionally drained; feeling of abandonment (too much responsibility, too little help, not enough empathy)
• Physical problems; physical exhaustion
• Depression—Loss/disappointments about delayed plans, ambitions, etc.; feelings of helplessness
• Tension between siblings—about health care, living situation, possessions, finances, future
• Financial stress—need to quit work or cut back; parent dependent upon your resources
• Spiritually depleted—no energy left for Bible study and prayer; inability to be away to go to church; loss of ministry; lack of fellowship with Christian friends
• Anxiety; excessive worry—regarding one’s ability to manage when health of aged loved one deteriorates or ability to manage when one’s own health deteriorates

See Counseling the Caregivers for more information