Good evening.  My name is Professor Fillmore Fuddyduddy, and this is my most capable assistant Bartholomew.

Nope my name’s Bart, just call me Bart, everyone calls me Bart, plain ol’ Bart.

This evening’s lecture will be on the comprehensibility of augmented verbal language as it coincides with the manual written version developed in five microprocesis of the western hemisphere and so forth . . . . In the due course of recent history, English grammarians have come to the morphological cognizance as to the articulated expression of language being more readily apprehended than the written version.

Let me put you at ease; I’m here to translate.  What Doc is trying to say is that when we communimicate, it’s easier to understand when we write stuff down.

The presence of tiny lexicographical notations commonly referred to as punctuation marks, afford the reader the advantage of augmented comprehensibility.

Look at them.  They didn’t understand a word you said.  They be looking like deer in headlights.  What he’s saying is, when we read it’s easy, ‘cause we got them there punctimication marks.

On the other hand, the absence of these tiny lexicographical notations causes the reader to flounder about in the exacerbating flow of ignorance and miscommunication.

Doc, c’mon!  What he means is, if we didn’t have them there puctimication marks, we’d be all discombobulated.

I, being the fine grammarian and humanitarian that I am, have devised this system by which we can eliminate this utter confusion.

Doc’s gotta plan.

It is called phonetic punctuation.

It is called phonetic punctimicat . . . oh, go ahead.

This system comprises audible utterances which coincide with the proper placement of marks of punctuation in the English language.

Weez got a sound for everything.

My assistant will now demonstrate the proper punctuation marks.  The comma (woop), the period (puitt), the semicolon (woop, puuit), the colon (puitt, puitt) the exclamation point (puuit, pssh), the question mark (nneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, puuit), the quotation marks (tlick, tlock), and finally the dash (Waaaaah!).

Now I will narrate a simple love story while my assistant inserts the proper phonetic punctuation marks.

Weez gonna have some fun!

Through the open window there suddenly came light.  (period)  Beautiful Eleanor sat dreaming of one thing.  (period)  Ah!  (exclamation point)  It was love!  (exclamation point)  It had been 3 years since she and Sir Henry had met.  (Period)  He had held her in his arms, (comma) stroked her beautiful hair, (comma) held her hand, (comma) and kissed her. (period) Eleanor exclaimed, “(comma, quotation mark) Henry! (exclamation point)  Is this the first time you’ve ever been in love?  (question mark, quotation mark)” Henry replied, “(comma, quotation mark)  Yes!  (Exclamation point)  But it won’t be the last time—(dash)” Suddenly, (comma) there was the sound of approaching footsteps as Eleanor’s father entered the room.  (period)  He grabbed Henry by the back of the neck, (comma) dragged him across the floor, (comma) showed him the door, (comma) opened the door, (comma) and threw him out.  (period)  Henry sailed through the air, (comma) and landed.  (period)  The last sound they heard was the sound of Henry’s departing horse . . . .(period, period, period, period)

The end. (period)

Thank you. (period)

That’s all. (period)

Stop it! (exclamation point)

Why are you doing this?  (question mark)