by Ron Perry

All of us in ministry have to say no at least once in our lifetime. In fact, if we were really honest, we would have to say that we say no to things thousands of times. One of the things that complicates the process of saying no is the spirit that lies within someone in ministry who simply wants to serve wherever the need may be. A person who truly desires to serve quickly gains the reputation of being a yes man. The yes man will quickly find himself bombarded with opportunities for service that will result in his having to say no. The question then arises, “How do I properly say no?” We must remember a few things when saying no.

We shouldn’t say no just because the task is out of our comfort zone. The process of doing things that cause us to learn new things or depend on God more are some of the best things for our spiritual growth and development. To say no to everything that takes us out of our comfort zone is to say no to one of our greatest teaching tools.

We shouldn’t say no just because the task does not best use our talents and abilities. One of the realities of ministry is that it is primarily made up of simple, mundane activities that do not take a rocket scientist to do. On Sunday mornings, the average church has multiple things occurring that simply need a person willing to use his or her hands. Pride often feeds the no of the person who is always looking for the specific job or task that includes all of his talents and abilities.

We should avoid the martyr complex when we say no. The martyr complex comes when a person finds it a burden to always be asked to do something. Their no comes out with a tone of disgust and frustration and gives the asker the idea that he should not ask this person to do anything ever again. Instead of considering it a burden to be asked, we should consider it a privilege that someone thought of us and our possible willingness to do the job.

We shouldn’t feel like we always have to explain the no. Some people cannot say no without giving a detailed explanation of all the other things they have to do. This kind of a response ends up being quite prideful. Occasionally, giving an explanation helps the person asking know that the answer is no now but may one day be a yes. And sometimes, giving a simple explanation becomes a teaching time to help the asker understand the principles that help us say yes and no. But as a general rule, the average asker is simply wanting a well-thought-out yes or no, not a lengthy dissertation on the why.

We should say no in such a way that the asker has the ability to ask again sometime. Our no should not attack the asker or make him feel guilty for asking us. A nice way of saying no is often to simply say, “This time I have to say no, but I would be willing to look at it again in a few months. Feel free to ask again.” One of the things that happens to managers and those who find themselves asking for help on a regular basis is that if they consistently have someone who says no in a harsh way, they simply quit asking. They get gun shy from the attack and just continue to look elsewhere. Many people, without realizing it, are isolating themselves in ministry, not because they are not willing to serve but because they haven’t learned how to properly say no in a way that is well accepted.

We should seek to help even while we are saying no. One of the biggest helps to an asker is the person who seeks to answer a no the following way: “I’m going to have to say no to this but maybe I could help you find someone.” Every person who is asking is ultimately hoping the person asked will say yes. Cushioning that no with the suggestion of someone else to ask or a possible solution can go a long way in helping a no be well accepted.

Everyone in ministry will be forced to say no. In fact, we probably don’t say no enough or always in the right way. The truth must be present in our thinking that while saying no is necessary the way we communicate it is crucial.